Less Than or Equal to

I’m more than I thought
And less than I’m supposed to be
I fashion this around my neck like a noose
I have created so many shades of filters that rainbows cry out in envy
My own insecurities define me
I let them suffocate, blind, and bind me
Me, me, me
It’s always me, will always be me
I’m my own worst enemy
My mind defies me
It incites riots against me without my approval
It laughs in my face as I try to push through it
My concious thoughts and deliberate intentions
They get bitch slapped back into detention
Not to mention the more I fight the more I lose this struggle
I struggle in this quicksand quagmire of self loathing
A chainsaw bane cutting to pieces my name
Constantly reproducing my shame
It’s a senseless no name defamatory blame game
In a battle of me versus me
In the the person who wins will be me
It’s always me
But which me is it
I’m less than or equal to my parts and pieces that I’ve provided
Filters of divisiveness or of unity
I hold all answers within me
Me me me
It’s always fucking me
Fight back the bitter taste of awareness
Swallow it deep down inside along with pride
Then cry out in lament as to where it went
I’m part lost and part found
I have thoughts that if I could embrace them, they would be profound
Instead they scatter across the landscape of my mind like diamonds trembling in time to an unheard frequency of immature reassurances
I’m patiently anticipating the reckoning
I’m counting the days until my mind fractures or reunites
Its beyond terrifying to anticipate the probabilities of losing your own mind to itself
A cannibalistic mind eager to devour itself
Fractures of thoughts, compression of feelings, irrefutable endings and beginnings
Maybe I’ll arise renewed and the best version of myself
But it’s hard to see me in me
Or a version lesser than or equal to me
Or a version greater than

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WIP Descending into Darkness

Descending into darkness of my own accord. I know the stairways down well. I used to fall down here, but now I know the pathway it’s so clear. I make it down where to the walls, ceilings, and floor begin to decay and fall away. Falling away like flesh from a rotting carcus, amusing if this is the end that marks us. No disillusioned thoughts to betray, only portents of once was and it’s markers to feel the way. The farther down I go the more familiar it becomes like a long lost friend. There is no pretense at normalcy anymore, the seduction is complete and sweet. I’ve made it to the bottom and the end through twisting hallways with no,sense of direction only by cognitive maps of years spent here. There is no resistance only welcoming, a return of a hero with mute celebration. There is nothing for the senses to sense, no light or movement of air nor hear or cold. The stairways and vacant hallways are gone, not only emptiness so strong. I feel the darkness coil around me whispering in my ear, telling me all the things that I want to hear. It tells me I don’t belong in the world above, that my thoughts don’t align with those I love. It tells me I no longer need to care, that I can stare at the wall sitting in my chair. It embraces me so dearly and I breathe in its truths, at first suffocating as my brains chemistry starts to change and then relax as it helps me remember that i’m not insane only in pain. I ask of the darkness once more, take my strength and my light, and hide it in your night. Keep it safe and keep it sound, protected from all around in a darkness so sound that it will not be found. This is my fortress, my walls that I erected deep down inside, a proverbial hole in the ground. In darkness it hides, it darkness it resides, in darkness it abides. There it slumbers, waiting, resting, in its shell, in its cocoon for it not be pulled back into use too soon. I ask that the remnant that is left of me, a body, an enclosure, which is only a holder for my soul to return above to continue the ever continuing of existence of persistence. It slogs through the day no longer feeling only concealing what lies within.

Meaningless torment while my soul remains dormant. The body perceives and feels little, hollow in the middle, aware of something missing but mostly just spews spittle. Following the same daily routines step by step by step.

Then a life is born and this little boys eyes and smile shine so bright that it illuminates the night. The brightness burns through my eyes and blasts down the stairways and through the hallways finding my light and drawing it forth.

Addiction

In this life I have a swallowed a cycle, hook, line, and sinker
In this cycle I regurgitate the same cycle over and over
I bravely struggle against the repeating offender
For this is not who I am, yet it is who I have become
I continue to struggle against this cycle
It is not one of denial, but one of acceptance
Struggle against it vainly at times I do, but in the end I know I will bury it dead in the ground
But right now in the present it is hard to see the truth, it seems so diluted and corrupted right now
A never-ending fathomless staircase to climb and descend, round and round
I know I will find the correct path past these minefield laden with bottles
These discarded butts
This refuse of wallowing
It’s time to get this devil off my back
To unburden
To rewind
To forget the numbness
To remember the present
To cast off old sins
Another awakening to begin
Freedom from vices and addictions
How did I get here
What was there to fear
Why did I seek to be numb
The answers are now foggy and hidden down,below my sea of consciousness in the dark depths of remembrance, meant to be forgotten
I will push past my fears and anxieties
Why am I so afraid to be whole
Am I truly so afraid of my strength and clarity
Am I afraid to be who I can be
So I subvert it and pervert it and bend my knee
I shall not be the victim
I shall not be obscured
I must allow my mind and body to heal
To see the truth of what is a real
It is time for my soul, heart, and mind to be recast
Cast from the darkness and light inside to be united as one and to embrace the duality
To be whole in mind, heart, and spirit
To be truly unafraid and to see the wonders around

Awakening Renewed

Reality, thoughts, memories, feelings, compressed into a single moment
An explosion of consciousness, an awakening
This reality and other ones shaking
Life defining moment of creation and destruction
Fire erupting from the heart to the sky
Holes opening wide
The fire splits the divide between one reality and another
Radiance of power dispensing forth
Laws of gravity ignored
Oceans pulling free from their earthly ties
Pulsing pulsing pulsing the heavens shake
The world stops turning
The universe takes a breath
The pulsing inside, it’s time to awake
A percussive shockwave beyond measure pushes outwards
Feel reality twist and churn
As your insides burn
Pushing aside the separation of dark and light
Dark and light no longer matter
They’re only different sides of the same coin
It’s the edge of the coin that is important
A knifes edge between the two that harkens a true balance of all things
Seeing blue ignite all around
It pulses towards all horizons
All is illuminated in a brilliant flash of blue tranquility
We are no longer asked to bend the knee
The ground below quiets
The shaking in the heavens subsides
Stars, galaxies, and the universe have realigned to a new song
Realities reaborbed into distinct wholes
Souls painted blue no longer green from envy
There is an intermission here
A pause to take a breathe and contemplate
A cerebral cortex of knowledge to partake
Memories and thoughts expanding
To envelop all doubts and impertinent surroundings
The world we live in is a construct of our mind
It is what we make it
Through experiences and dreams
Filters created through these experiences
Good and bad seeking definition
Forget the definitions
Forget the judgements
There must be revelations
No evolutions
Life is too short for evolution
What we seek is through a revolution
The way the world was formed is much slicker
The percussion wave is meant to awake the dreamers and the sleepers
Awaken to the pulses in your soul and be reborn
Follow this real rhythm
As the Phoenix rises from the West
And the serpent rises from the east
In the South is the winter storm
To the north is the polar bear
Reality readjusting to the new norms
Poles adjusting to the new programming
Creating a true paradise on earth
As promised long ago
By the technologically advanced aliens
Who visited all cultures upon the world
Creating what is now current religions and belief structures

Darkened Vision and Thoughts

I see darkness all around
I see darkness in the light
I see the world falling apart into the ground
I see the world in darkness ignite

I see people failing to be people
I see people swallowed by darkness
I see envy, greed, gluttony ruling
I see people looking at that drooling

I see darkness in the light
I see darkness in the night
I see darkness in my screams
I’m awakened by darkness and illusory touches in my dreams

I’m surrounded by darkness, doubts, and fears
It’s always there
But I have a strength, a light within me
You have it too, it’s there, trust me, ignite it within your chest

Find that moment when you felt the most alive
Embrace that feeling and let it thrive
You can push back against the suffocating darkness
It will eb and flow the darkness out side and the light within

For me it’s a constant battle
To battle the light against the night
For some it’s so easy, everything is sunshine and rainbows
Not for me, that’s not the way my life flows

I will always be broken and diseased
But I fight back against this endless twilight
I will illuminate the night
I must not stop fighting and let the darkness within win

I have mental illness borne from within
It’s something I was infected with from conception
It’s something I always have to fight
But I cannot give in to the night

It weakens and exhausts me
I feel so tired sometimes, that I want to sleep eternal
Yet I wake up again every morning to continue the battle
I was born broken, but I’m not beaten

Rainbow Cat

This rainbow cat flew across the sky, it was inherent in its nature so it never questioned why.
The rainbow cat flew far and wide, spreading its joy and glitter from its backside.
This rainbow cats shit sprayed across the land in a flurry, when it fell upon animals and people they found that they were no longer in a hurry.
It brought shit eating grins of happiness to everyone that it covered, but it was only a matter of time before the truth was discovered.
As their faces started to melt off in a slurry, they knew it had be an illusion, a joint operation by the government and Santa Claus to drop down acid rain hallucinogen in the form of retail pollution.
What they saw fly across the sky, was Santa’s sleigh all bedazzled up up up so high.
It was fitted with government issued chemical dispersers to rain down below, for he had enough of this wicked world where everyone thought they were in the know.

Drowning

Free from sin
Dying within
I gasp a breath
Before the waves crash overhead
I’m drowning, can’t you feel it
It spins around and crushes all
Oblivion surfaces and dissolves my will
Primal rage consumes intelligence and control
I see red and bleed red
Blackness overtakes, I flee

Life

Life is a journey through time relentless and unceasing. Experiences gained and friendships lost. Memories cycling and being devoured like water eroding away at a shore, to be thrust to the front again like waves crashing into the back of your eyes, widening them in surprise, and other memories will sink into the black abyss of your mind.

Do not close your eyes, do not shrink back from fear, do not let the stabs of anxiety control you, do not let depression override your thinking, do not let the sting of pain numb you to this world. Embrace the good and bad, it’s these experiences that shape us, but we can control how they shape us.

Time continues on along with our lives, time defines our lives, we cannot pause either or go back, we must learn and move on. If you let it, time and life will sweep your footing out from under you like an avalanche racing down a mountain and bury you.

Be present and be alert, feel the air rush past you, smell the earth after rain, feel the walls where you live, the seat you sit in, be mindful of your surroundings, take it all in. Do not be deterred, fight against feelings of hopelessness and despair, it’s all only temporary and will be pulled back into the sea of memories, where it can reside nestled in among other memories good and bad, you get to choose and focus on which ones define you.

Memories and Pain

I find echoes, memories of reminders as my thoughts bounce and reverberate down the hallways of my mind and I find hidden memories of what was, in shadowy crevices of constrained and compressed thoughts. These hallways seem to be cavernous spaces while I am one person trying to search and explore something that is far greater than me, but I can’t seem to remember that this is me. It all belongs to me, I created it all and I own it. It is me. Maybe when I accept that I will become more and become whole.

My so called pain is only one part of me, it’s a piece of me and I must embrace It and not be afraid. There is strength in that, accepting it, there is also sacrifice and determination. This pain doesn’t define me, but it is part of me, it does steer me in certain directions. I must become the master of it, to steer my ship in the direction I choose and not the direction I let it, which is the ultimate darkness, the abyss of my soul, the place where nothing dares to tread.

Phoenix

The darkness burns my eyes, it’s shadows seek to enshroud me in their pity. I will ignite and burn away their cloud and emerge as a phoenix cloaked in light. I will burn brighter than the sun and turn all that stands against me to ashes. I pity the weak and the fools who hope to envelope the world in their degenerative ways and they will vanish in an explosion of heat tempered by the resolve of those who suffer under a burden of  tyranny. This world is meant to be one of freedom and peace, of love and of hope. Some say ignorance is bliss, but ignorance is not an excuse and it is not a shield that will protect you from the truth. The truth is that this current world and it’s way of thinking is ending. Greed invested in the suffering of others, pain attributed to the capitalization of human spirit will no longer be permitted. It is time for the attributes of kindness and integrity to take seat and vanquish the hate and fear that infests and spreads like a virus. The thinkers and the movers will fight back against the injustice that is blanketing the land like a cancer. It is time for change and reform, it is time for compassion and generosity of human spirit, it is time for us to rise up and renew the vows of life. Life is a journey, like water rushing through a canyon and it will not be denied, it will carve it’s way through the limestone and bedrock of current ruling human values and erode and dissolve those thoughts and beliefs into a new landscape that is yet to be shaped. I will be there and I will scorch the impenetrable bunkers of diseased and disenfranchised minds so that the seeds of purity of spirit and of skill and forthrightness can take hold and grow into trees of true choice and reform and ability. The darkness will be afraid and cower before the light and sureness of conviction and purpose.